Thursday, March 17, 2011

Blogger and iPhone

Once upon a time a blogger bought an iPhone 3Gs and found out that despite having the most advanced handheld device ever created it could not be used to update his blog. He was sad and dissapointed. So distraught was he that he criticized the iPad for not being a useful tool, and that it was just there to play games and read comic books.

Many months passed and this same blogger noticed that the google app on his iPhone had an update. He clicked the update button and moved on to other things. A day or two later, at the end of an extremely bad day he decided to take a peak at the updated app. He dug around and saw a button for Blogger. He got more curious and saw that he was just taken to the website. Disheartened our blogger decided that Google knows what they are doing so he went to edit a semi-abandonded post. "Oh Hello!" he cried after successfully typing two paragraphs that no one will ever read.

Our blogger had found that his iPhone could now function as a tool from which he could blog!

"I can fucking do this on my phone! I am fucking doing this on my phone!!!" he screamed, scaring his cats and aggravating his wife.

Many of his readers would care not for this fact. But that did not stop our blogger from his self-indulgent quest. He added some random tags and posted (not pelted, stupid auto-correct) his discovery for the world too see.

Thanks for reading,
Your friendly neighborhood iPhone blogger,

PS- He then went and played the new levels of Angry Birds until waaaaay past his bed time. The End

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Kay Bee Tuesday: Screaming Babies Scoring System

Thanks to my near 5 years at KBToys I am now immune to screaming babies.    I did this by developing a grading or scoring system for their cries.  It was a simple 1-10 based upon three criteria.

I) Volume: How loud is the cry?  You would be surprised at how much this influences a person tolerance level of screaming baby.  And yes this also takes into account the environment.  If I was out in the food court getting lunch, the cavernous nature of the food court meant that a baby needed to be crying much louder than if he was crying in my store.

II) Pitch: Does the scream have that ear splitting pitch?  This differs not only baby to baby but from person to person as well.  Each one of us has a different point at which we cringe.

III) Duration: How long can that baby maintain that scream?  A child with a small set of lungs will have to take more breaths, each breath is a precious pause in the cry.  This is the crucial one for me.  I graded so harshly on this one that I would openly mock babies with weak lungs, while simultaneously sharing in the long term relief this provides the parents.  Conversely I would be in awe of, and give props to a baby with a powerful set of lungs.  the ones you just cannot believe how long they can go between breaths.  I truly felt bad for these parents.

Add these scores up and you get your total score for how good a crier that baby is.

Unless you had as much exposure to screaming babies, do not try to implement this, or any similar system.  It takes years of judging to get the scoring down right and to judge fairly.

Thanks for reading,
You favorite screaming baby judge,

PS- The moral of the story is that when life sucks, turn it into a game and mock it ruthlessly.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Pi Day 2011 - The end of Pi Day?

I am usually a big fan of Pi Day.  But my world was rocked this morning when I heard about the anti-Pi movement.  Oh Vi, how could you destroy my pleasant, simple world so swiftly and brutally.  Please watch this heart breaking video for yourself, and do so at your own risk.  For if you love Pi Day you may cry.  But I know that some of you are cynical, and will enjoy the nerd-on-nerd intellectual violence.

Ceci n'est pas une Pi.  :(

Celebrating Tau day would be difficult.  I could have two pies...but it would not be the same.  The Pun dies if we accept this.  Watching a beloved pun die hurts.  But it is an important life lesson, especially concerning being a geek or nerd or math science related at all.  With new information come new conclusions and we must move on as life does.

*sigh*  I cannot and will not let Pi day go. I ate some chocolate cream Pi today on principle.  I have decided to support Tau day, because you cannot have enough Greek letters in your life.

Thanks for reading,
Your favorite disillusioned blogger,

Girls are so mean, always ripping your heart out and stomping on it gleefully.

Careless Whisper

I was struggling today on what song to use to get stuck in your co-workers / classmates heads.  And then it came to me.

Careless Whispers:

I must thank the genius of Remi Gaillard, and Nerdcore for this one.  And you'l have that sax bit jacked into your head for a month.

For those that need a fix of the classic George Michael song:

Wow, the 80's really was a scary decade.

Thanks for reading,

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I'm not a doctor......

But I got my medical degree from ESPN.  No dead serious.  My boss got injured x-country skiing last week.  He described the symptoms and demonstrated the ability to put pressure on the knee but that he could not flex it.  It was odd to see, but I said, "Oh, you tore your MCL."  Then followed up with my "I got my medical degree from ESPN" joke.  My boss said that the doctor said it was a torn Meniscus.

When the MRI came back, who was right?

I was.  Not the doctor, the wise-ass.

ESPNU I demand my diploma!

Thanks for Reading,
Your favorite I'm not a doctor, I just watch way too much TV, blogger,

PS-  Based upon the the effect that online Poker had on competitive Poker Tournaments and the burgeoning influence the Madden Football game is having on fans reactions to coaching decisions in the NFL, it is really only a matter of time before this joke becomes reality.  Blogs killed journalism, it's killing despotism, and the AMA better watch out they are next!