Friday, February 12, 2010

TTFN: nearsighted

I need glasses, magic glasses that motivate me to work harder and have a better attitude.  What?  Those things have nothing to do with my eyes?  Oh.  You learn something new every damn day!

100.  100 Goolge tips and tricks to help with Schoolwork.  Meh.  This only makes the cut due to it being a 100 list.  Other than that most of tricks are so complex as to not be tricks or are retarded, yes Sarah Palin, retarded, just like you.  Have you actually tried the following quoted tip?  It takes an hour and much fiddling with to make it work.

  1. Consolidate email accounts. If you have a Gmail account, an account through school, and any other account you are juggling separately, combine them all into Gmail to cut down on time spent checking all those accounts.

98.  6 signs you spend too much time Online.  LAME.  Written by the cool kids that think the real world is something worth experiencing.  Written by people who don't actually spend too much time online.  Shut up, and go back to cliche-ville, frat boy.

5 You speak in 3rd person
Your life has turned into a living, breathing status update where you dispense information no one wants. Not only do you constantly talk about yourself, but you no longer use the word “I.” Instead you find yourself more comfortable expressing yourself by saying “Tommy is pretty sure that he isn’t the father of his son.” If only there were a Maurypaternity test app on Facebook.

91.  Top 10 Things Not to Say to Gamer Girls.  Somehow, "Beat that score, bitch!" did not make the list.  I think the writer may secretly enjoy the challenge.  ;)

8. "No, you wouldn't like this game. It's all bloody and gory." Yes, and my tiny girl brain would not be able to handle anything that's not pink and glittery. 

86. 11 Little Known Grammatical Errors.  For the Grammar Nazis.  And double bonus if you guess who many of these mistakes I "intentionally" sprinkled throughout this post.  Yeah, I used this list, just because of Homer's t-shirt.

Homer Simpson's amazing t-shirt.
Try and. The correct phrase is "try to." It really does make sense logically -- the trying is part of the action. I don't try and say goodbye and I choke, I try to say goodbye and I choke. (I also try i walk away and I stumble.)

It's a rough day for a journalism major when he learns he was grammatically bested by Macy Gray.

I remember when I learned the try and/try to disparity. I'd just gotten my first job writing professionally, in October of 2003, and I dropped a "try and" bomb in one of the first things I wrote. I was scolded, beat myself up about it for two weeks straight -- and never made the mistake again.

The saddest part: Since that day, I've never been able to look at Homer Simpson's incredible America "Try and Stop Us" t-shirt the same way

80.  Fourteen Dead Beers.  You, or your father or grandfather, did not drink so now no one can, you selfish prick, or spawn of selfish pricks.  Poor a forty out to remember these long lost brews.

RIP: 1974
Knickerbocker beer, a product of Rupperts Brewery has been gone since the mid 1970’s. The brewery located at 92nd street and 2nd avenue in manhattan closed it’s doors in the late 1960’s. The product line and brand name was purchased by another brewery but discontinued in the 70’s.

79.  Top 10 Sexiest Super Bowl Ads, Ever!  Very well done list.


65.  13 Hitchcock Films that were Never Made.   Some how this number is fitting.

4. Hamlet, starring Cary Grant

In the late 1940s, Hitchcock hit on an odd idea: he wanted to produce a modernized version of Hamlet set in England with Cary Grant in the title role. According to Hitchcock, the project “would be presented as a psychological melodrama.” The idea hit the rocks after Hitchcock’s studio, Transatlantic, announced the project and a professor who had written a modernized version of Shakespeare’s tale threatened a lawsuit.

61.  7 Reasons the Meteorologists in Boston are useless imbeciels that like wasting people's time and money with absolutely WRONG predicitons Screwed up the Forecast this past Wednesday.  Excuses for Liars.  Holy Crap did they all eat a ton of shit for this one.  Look at the quote, and realize they told us the worst of the storm (3 inches per hour snowfall) would happen between 2 and 5 that afternoon, NOT AT NIGHT!!  That's why schools called early closings the night before, and why tons wasted millions on plow drivers being on call and doing nothing.  Well done assholes!

5. Nighttime cold finally forced a change to snow, but it was too late.

58.  Top 25 Romantic Comedies that don't Suck.    Not a bad list.  Some of this genre aren't vile horrible evil torture to put a guy through to see if he's worth sleeping with.  Some of these are actually worth seeing and have entertainment, even comedic, value.

#6: Roxanne

YEAR: 1987
ROMANTIC LEADS: Daryl Hannah, Steve Martin
• C.D. Bales, a.k.a. Cyrano de Bergerac, a.k.a. Steve Martin, has a honkin’ schnoz and a heart to match. Using eloquence and wit, he sets up good-looking but tongue-tied fireman, Charlie (Rossovich), with the love of his life, Roxanne (Hannah). Roxanne falls for C.D. instead, because a nose with such girth can only mean one thing… Cancer! Not really.

51.  Top 10 Villainous Rulers.  Great list, and complete Wikipedia fodder!  Especially....

3. Queen Ranavalona I of Madagascar

Also known as the Mad Queen of Madagascar, Ranavalona I seized power in 1828 after her husband Radama’s death (and some even say she poisoned him). At the beginning of her reign, she promised to restore customary rites and old beliefs as well as giving control back to priests, judges and slave merchants. Paranoid of European colonization, she persecuted and expelled all foreigners. This led to her violently persecuting native Christians and when it didn’t eradicate Christianity, she had everyone who owned a Bible executed. The executions were less than successful and she retaliated by dangling 15 Christian leaders 150 feet above a rock-filled ravine and when they refused to denounce Christ and pray to her idols, and when they refused, their ropes were cut and they fell to their deaths. Slaves were completely disposable to Ranavalona and more than one million were killed in ritual executions, including ten thousand in a single week during her buffalo hunt. And they weren’t just killed they were tortured, usually by throwing them repeatedly from hilltops, boiling them alive or sewing them up to the neck in a freshly slaughtered buffalo hide and either left to rot or fed to wild dogs. She died peacefully in her sleep in 1861 after a terrifying 33-year rule.

42.  Fifteen Favorite Road Movies.  Cars, Speed, Sex, Violence, not all of these movies have all of these things, but the list does.  Of course the 70's dominated this genre, but that is okay, the decade was not a complete and utter disaster.

Smokey and the Bandit
Hal Needham -1977
Bandit and Cledus are two truck-driving southerners who accept a dare from big-shots Big and Little Enos to pick up a truckload of beer from Texas and return it to them within a specified amount of time. Picking it up is simple enough, but as they are leaving Texas, Bandit unwittingly picks up Carrie, a hitchhiking bride-to-be who just left her groom, Junior, at the altar. Junior, however, is the son of Sheriff Buford T. Justice. And when Buford and Junior discover what has happened, they go on a “high-speed pursuit” across the Southeast to catch the bandit. Also Sally Field was kinda hot.

37.  Top 10 Odd Patron Saints.  And for those sad lonely souls on Valentine's Day.

4. St. Drogo – Patron of Unattractive People

St. Drogo was born in Epinoy, Flanders.  He was an orphan, which would play a large role in his life’s path. When he discovered that his mother had died giving birth to him, he began to feel extremely guilty and went to the extreme when it came to his penances. When he turned eighteen he got rid of his belongings and decided to take on pilgrimages to Rome, in order to show his guilt and live a more holy life. He went on about ten pilgrimages and then became a shepherd. On one pilgrimage he became sick with an unsightly bodily disorder that made him deformed. His looks frightened people in the town, so he had a holy cell built so that he could still attend church but not be seen. He lived on water, barley, and the holy Eucharist for 40 years. It is said that he could bilocate, being at two places at the once, but with his looks why would you want to see two of him?

25. 6 Very Real Super-villain Weapons.  Non-leathal weapons get all the attention, but hyper-lethal weapons are where the real threats lie!

Earthquake Machine
In 2006 a new mad scientist has revealed himself to the world by causing a series of earthquakes in Switzerland’s north-western city of Basel. The fiend, known now simply as Markus Haering and as “Doctor Haerthquake” in the near future, caused the Earth to rumble with his humongous deep-level drill burrowing over 3 miles into the surface of the Earth.
Why was he doing that exactly? Why, to harness the geothermal energy of the planet of course. You know: the clean, renewable and above all else free type of energy? The most important thing, other than a catchy nickname and a ridiculous costume, needed to become a certified supervillain? Yeah, Haering is basically one cape away from becoming just that.
The Earthquake Machine is currently decommissioned as Haering awaits trial for a crime so novel they will probably have to invent new forms of the death penalty to punish him. But the device is still very much operational and we don’t think anyone is keeping THAT close an eye on it… we’re just sayin’…

23.  Top 5 Coolest and Stupidest Super Hero Weaknesses.  Not bad, for 2 lists counted as one.

2) Adam Strange - Earth Withdrawal

If Adam Strange stays on Rann - the planet he goes to so he can have superhuman strength, go on awesome space adventures and hang out with his hot space-babe wife - for more than a year, he dies. Yeah, it sounds kinda arbitrary and weird that he would have to leave Rann once a year to avoid dying. But as far as story is concerned, it's beautiful. It keeps Adam Strange from ever getting too far away from his humanity. No matter how much time he spends on Rann, he'll never be a native. It keeps Adam Strange's story going, which is just what a weakness should do.

18.  Top Ten Bear Stories.  Don't link this to Stephen Colbert!  Actually, please do.  Although Pardon The Interruption's favorite Bear story, trampoline, made the list, my favorite is the first one, if only for the headline.

Drunk Serbian Find His Way Into Bear Cage, Expected Happens
Bear Cage
After putting up with getting trash thrown at them for weeks on end, a bears at the Belgrade Zoo finally took their revenge on the human race after a drunk Serbian found himself half-eaten in the bear cage during a local beer festival. Tragic as this news is, you have to admire the to-the-point nature of the zoo director’s official statement: “There’s a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage.”
Winner: The gene pool.

11.  Top Ten Super Cool Sci-Fi Heroines.  Although this list gets reshuffled and renamed on a weekly basis, I cannot resist.  I'm a guy, a geek, and I love Buffy.  I hate admitting it, but Hermione would kick the ass of any of the other members of this list in a fight, and it would not even be close.

4.  Hermoine Granger  (Harry Potter series)
She’s the youngest lady on this list, but she certainly packs an academic wallop worthy of being recognized.  Hermoine is known at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for being a know-it-all, Muggle-born, and the brightest witch of her age.  Though she doesn’t fight with her fists (okay, there was that one awesome time – Malfoy!), Hermoine wages battle with her mind and her trusty wand, which might be even cooler.  Smarts and intellect count for a lot in my book, and Hermoine certainly makes the grade.

1.  Top 10 Tragic Geek Love Stories.  Add in the whole Mr Sinister, Cable, and Rachel Grey-Summers, and this tragedy goes from one of the best to the best.  Retcons or not this one moves.  Especially with Scott Marrying Jean's main rival Emma Frost, after Jean's 23rd death.

8. Scott Summers & Jean Grey — Forget about the X-Men movies, because James Marsden gives the character of Scott Summers/Cyclops about as much personality as deck furniture. Now, granted, the character was never written terribly appealingly in the comic books, but you could at least believe that he and Jean were in love. We know that the whole Phoenix story got retconned such that Jean wasn’t really Phoenix, and therefore was neither responsible for genocide nor dead, and that she “died” again, but for our money give us the original plot line. For us, Jean Grey was Marvel Girl, and Phoenix, and Dark Phoenix, and died on the moon in X-Men #137. The story as a whole, and particularly the love story, seems much more powerful that way.

I may have re-recruited my wife as editor.  Because she read my blog recently and got mad at me, and pointed out several errors.   She did laugh at several of my jokes, so the job is hers if she wants it!  Wove, true Wove!
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