USB Tuesday: Bling!

$600 for an 8gb usb drive.  You are probably wondering what year it is? 2004?  No, try 1994.

BLING!

Sadly it was a limited time offer.  Remember, you heard it hear last.

Music Monday: Ukulele Beatles 19-22

In my absence I have decided to tighten this series up a bit by grouping the themes better.  Starting with lumping a month worth of Beatles on Ukulele together.

Have I mentioned that these Beatles tunes are sung by different artists and that they record the vocals, send them into the ukulele guys and then the Ukulele and other instruments are added?  It is an amazing process, and I cannot believe how effective it is.

Hold Me Tight
Listen
Read

Musically this song is a success. Lyrically, embarrassing.

What’s going on here?

The contrast between the Beatles STD-riddled, licentious and voluptuous pill popping real lives, and the lyrics of their early teenage puppy love songs, was vast. I believe this cognitive dissonance was a central facet of their initial appeal.

Polythene Pam
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Lennon was a pro. He wrote for a living, on a deadline. He preferred inspiration, like all sensible artists, but he did not rely on it. That’s because inspiration is for amateurs.

Blackbird
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Modern gender political correctness did not exist in1968. Black “bird” is like saying black “chick”. Bird is British slang for girls. I wish that slang had caught on in America. Girls are birdlike, small, delicate, nervous, colorful, and beautiful. And they never stop chattering.

Maxwell's Silver Hammer
Listen
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While it may not be the very worst Beatle song ever, it is the worst one ever written by Paul.

The other three Beatles hated it as well. They were right to do so. John called it the “corny number” while they rehearsed it during the Let It Be/Get Back Sessions. To make matters worse, Paul used ridiculous amounts of studio time to try to polish this turd, annoying George Martin and the other Beatles in the process. To no avail.

Come back next week, where I may or may not be done with my list of songs that I always start singing to myself at work.

Million Dollar Idea:

When my madness strikes, you suffer.

I have seen that the most simple and efficient way to make it big quick in blogging is to have a single topic blog.  To relentlessly exploit a single idea or topic to infinity.  See:  Michael Pollan or Michel Foucault?,  I Can Has Cheezburger?,  Stop Makingt That Duckface,  Ask a Urinal, etc.  In this respect I think I have come up with an original concept, unresearched as of yet, The Pig Latin Blog.  The blog will contain some combination of: A) Nothing but posts about various topics in Pig Latin, B) links to places across the internet where Pig Latin has reared it's ugly head, or C) Translations of other blogs' posts into Pig Latin for either entertainment or annoyance purposes.  Now it probably needs a better title, and pity upon the soul who puts the work into that blog, but this one is a winner.

My mission for you, the two random people who read this blog, is any one of the following:
1) Create this blog for me and pay me a royalty for the idea.
2) Find out that this blog already exists and burst my bubble, making me cry myself to sleep.
3) Con someone into making this blog so we can laugh at and collect a royalty from them.

Go my minions and display to me the power I wield over the internets.

Top Ten Friday Night: Future the to Back

Just jumping right into this week with a doozy.

100.  10 Things You Did Not Know About Orgasms.  It's a video.  I won't embed it.  I will say I was shocked to find out that genitalia are optional.

98.  9 Classic Floyd Mayweather Moments.  Now I am not mocking this list as much as I am Floyd, boxing, and the lame weed sight it's on.





That video is classic.  Brian Kenney does not back down from a verbal fight, ever.


87. 7(ish) Questions About Back to the Future That Chris Hardwick has Always Wanted to Ask but Waited Until He had a Blog to Do So.

4: In 1955 Marty sets in motion a chain of events that will forever alter his family. Nov 5, 1955 is not only the day that Doc had a vision of the Flux Capacitor, but also the day that George and Loraine were to meet and fall in love. However, with Marty in 1955, he tries to save his dad from being hit by his grandfather’s car only to wind up under it himself.  Something to wonder: Mr Baines says “another one of these damned kids jumped in front of my car.”  Does that mean that guys were always in the tree peeping at Leah Thompson? (A plausible theory, she was über hot in the 80’s and known to take her top off. See:”All the Right Moves” ’83) Or was Mr Baines a closeted alcoholic that often ran over teenage boys? I think the latter is the more likely.

Ah, the days of the drinking lunch.

82.  10 Golden Rules of Social Media.  Sadly this list is needed.  I know I am guilty of breaking many of these.

7. Give Kudos. Social media works when you are generous. There is nothing wrong with self-promotion, but things really take off when you give others praise or a moment in the spotlight. The rise of retweeting — real retweeting, not spammy retweeting — shows how far giving credit to others can go in social spaces.

77.  Top 50 Reasons to Have Sex.   My favs: 8. Nothing Good on TV  9. You're in a Hotel.

76.  12 Inhabited Bridges.  Yes one of them is the one that's always falling down.  But I like the following one better.

68.  Three Board Games to Make Your Video Game Friends Hate You.  For some reason Mall Madness and Diplomacy are not on this list?

3) Gloom
Style: Colorfully competitive, free for all
Number of players: 2-5 (3+ recommended)
Learning Curve: 0 out of 5
Game Length: 20-30 minutes

Gloom is quick, easy, and pretty much any other nice word for a prostitute. A full card game with art reminiscent of Edward Gory, every player controls an eccentric family. Each family fits into a colorfully homicidal theme that would seem ripped right out of a Roald Dahl book, or A Series of Unfortunate Events. After making that clear, the objective of the game is to make your family incredibly miserable, then kill them.

65.  Seven Things Wanted in Star Trek 12.  Yeah they said 2, I said 12.  Suck it.

The Enterprise crew (l-r): Chekov (Anton Yelchin), Kirk (Chris Pine), Scotty (Simon Pegg), Bones (Karl Urban), Sulu (John Cho), and Uhura (Zoe Saldana).

The origin stories of Kirk and Spock worked so well in the first film that producers might be thinking that audiences want historical gaps filled in for the rest of the Enterprise crew. We don't. Move on. Don't you dare go back and show us Uhura or Sulu as a child. The fact is that even the smartest writers in Hollywood sometimes fall into the understandable trap of "Well, it worked the first time." The instinct to repeat what worked about an original often sinks a sequel and I'm sure there are some concepts for the Trek sequel that involve more back story. We don't need young Chekov in school or how Sulu learned how to fence. You set up this alternate universe. Don't explain it any more. Just explore it.

54.  7 stupid Things Men Do to Impress Women.  Hands up all who are guilty of at least one of these.

Learn to play guitar





So you wanna be a rock and roll star?
Well listen now to what I say
Just get an electric guitar
And take some time
And learn how to play

As I was saying earlier, men don’t learn to play instruments to get record contracts, men learn to play instruments to get laid. I knew a guy in college and I’m pretty sure he could only play two things: Air Supply and Dave Matthews. How you run the musical gamut and fall face first into those two bands, I still have no idea, but it’s what he knew and it’s all he cared to learn and by God it worked on the ladies.
Now, I’m not going to tell you how many times in a day one has to hear “Crash Into Me,” in a single sitting before they get the urge to kill (1 ½), but I’ll tell you this–no man learns to play Air Supply unless he’s trying to impress a woman. Hell, Air Supply doesn’t listen to Air Supply records without a woman in the room. And you’ll never hear a grown man playing Dave Matthews in a crowd with no woman present unless he wants an epic Full Metal Jacket soap-in-a-pillowcase-style beating.
Yet, everyday young boys pick up guitars and dream of being big rock singers. Actually, they see some hot girl they want to impress—then they decide it’s time to grab and axe and learn to make them swoon. And can you blame them? It’s the only profession that women will throw their panties at you while you work. They certainly don’t do that down at the H&R Block.

49. 5 Things Comic Book Movies Need to Stop Doing.   Amen!  Really, guys comic books are enjoyed for reasons, don't forget those reasons.

3) Cramming in Villains

This trend started way back in the '90s, when it was announced that - gasp, shock -Batman Returns would have not one but two famous villains in it, Catwoman and The Penguin. That proved to be pretty popular, so they kept at it, regardless of whether or not it really worked out or made sense or wasn't retarded story-wise, and the practice has bled into most other superhero franchises. Thing is, once they switch to having two baddies in every installment, they never seem to go back - meaning we can expect this to happen in all future Spider-man flicks, and it looks like Iron Man is going down the same road.

Now, having two villains isn't necessarily a bad thing, provided the writing is good, but frankly, more than a few of these movies seem to have more than one bad guy just for the hell of it, and there's usually a B- or C-list villain in there somewhere, which is kinda like announcing at the varsity basketball team that they're going to blend junior varsity players into the team for this one game. Meaning that while you're really there to see the A-list guys, you're also stuck watching the JV kids bumble around and fuck up.

43.  6 Ways to Sync your iPhone Without iTunes.  Good, I hate iTunes.   But seeing as I don't have any Apple product this is not a problem for me, and as such I won't endorse any of these programs.


32. The Most Beautiful Women in the World: 1950's-1980's.  It starts and end right here people.

23.  700 Underwear Clad Vigilante Mutants.  AKA: Worst Super Hero names ever thought of.  Awesome, so awesome you will get a block quote.

110. The Blue Stuff
111. Nondescript Man
112. Dirtblast
113. The Goodbio Girl
114. The Polarizer
115. Professor Leisure
116. The Homeopath
117. Magnetic Hematite Lad
118. Lazarus, the Incontinent
119. CargoThug
120. Eternal Intern

14. 10 Strangest Species Discovered This Year.   I wonder how Indy would feel about this one?

Barbados Threadsnake aka Leptotyphlops carlae
The world’s tiniest, quarter-wrapping snake made the rounds of the internet last year and made the ASU’s species list this year. It’s only found in Barbados.

11. World's Top 11 Earning Models.  I broke my rule just for you.  Heidi Klum is 35!!  And she's #2.  That's pretty cool.  There is hope for humanity after all.

2. Heidi Klum - $16 Million

While still a successful model at 35 with three kids, the majority of Klum's earnings are driven by her TV and endorsement career. Though she's currently expecting baby No. 4 with husband Seal, Klum remains a member of the Victoria's Secret Angel entourage as well as host of Project Runway and Germany's Next Top Model. The German beauty also designs a line of Birkenstock sandals and has endorsement deals with Diet Coke, Volkswagen, McDonald's and LG. This past year, she came out with her own skincare line, In An Instant.

1. 13 Book-to-FIlm Adaptations That the Authors Hated.  A list near and dear to my heart.  #13 was perfect.  Some of these are funny and you have to side with the filmamakers, but the intent rings true.

13. Alan Moore, everything (2001-present)
There have been several adaptations of Alan Moore’s comics, and there are likely to be a lot more. They vary in quality from the abysmal (League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen) to the acceptable (the “For The Man Who Has Everything” episode of the Justice League television show), but they have one thing in common: Moore has had nothing whatsoever to do with them. The man many consider to be the greatest living comics writer has always maintained that he wrote his stories specifically for the comics medium, and that any adaptation would be so different that he didn’t want to be a part of it; now, after four movie adaptations and a handful of lawsuits, he’s asked for his name to be taken off any property he doesn’t directly own, with the result that Watchmen—this year’s big-screen take on what may be the best superhero story in comics history—bore the name of only its artist, Dave Gibbons, in the credits. Given his extremely public, extremely negative, comments about the movie versions of V For Vendettaand League, it’s unlikely he’ll ever change his mind about Hollywood.

Kudos: GGM, NC, AlyK, and SP

See you next week, and by the way, I do take submissions!

Wednesday's Ice Cube Tray: Memorial

I don't usually get sentimental, but it came across my desk today that there is one less tramp stamp out in the world.  The trend of tattoo removal makes me sad.  Every tattoo has that much less value because they can all disappear.  :(  So in tribute to the loss of Holly Madison's tramp stamp, I give you the ice cube tray of the shape of her old tattoo.  Yes a completely lame and elaborate excuse to post this.   But what else would expect from me other than something elaboratively lame.

buy

Music Monday: Name Free

Listen to a Gypsy sing Lady Madonna to an accompianment of a Ukulele.

Read the essay.

Lady Madonna is a testimonial to Female Power. And the grim determination of mommies everywhere. It was written in the period where McCartney was breaking up with the self centered Jane Asher, and was soon to hook up with uber-MILF Linda Eastman. A very good move.

Things I did not need to know about Linda McCartney for $200, Alex.

I got to hang out with a friend I hadn't seen in a while.  A friend I tortured with the following song for an entire summer.  A friend that to this day will lash out violently at the mere mention of it.  Removing this song from your brain will require drastic measures.

Whoever You Are - Geggy Tah 



I came across this cool Sonic Youth cover a week or two back and had to share.

Bull In The Heather - The Go! Team


I was like 6 the first time I heard this song.  I still get that same degree of "HOLY CRAP THIS IS AWESOME!" that I did back then.

Electric Avenue - Eddie Grant


Viva Zapata.

Seaweed - The Gits

One Sentence Review: Terminator Salvation

"I kept waiting for Voltron to show up." -My friend while leaving the theater last night.

For me it works out to this:

Transformers + Mad Max + BattleStar Galactica + Wizard of Oz = Terminator Salvation